Boiling
by googleurname
Summary: Eric is hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Kyle. And if he can't have Kyle, no one can. Kyman.


What, exactly, do a teapot and a human being have in common? Nothing, you would presume. Both completely different things. A human has the ability to speak, walk, and feel amongst other things. The only function belonging to the teapot is the ability to heat up water. However, there is something the two seemingly distinct things have in common. And that, of course, would be that they both have a boiling point.

The average human being would be angered when encountered by their boiling point, but perhaps could still control some form of serenity. Eric Cartman, however, was clearly not your average human being. . Prejudice, self-conscious, and blatantly mean-spirited, when Eric was angered he certainly was not hushed about it. He would fully loosen his grip of serenity at the slightest encounter of unhappiness In fact, he did everything in his rightful power to restore what he considered justice to what he considered it's rightful place. And the steps he took to do that always left a deep, permanent scar in his small, quiet hometown of South Park.

The day Eric met his own particular boiling point was, ironically, a nice, blue-skied day. The snow was temporarily on hiatus and the emotion of happiness was practically gliding through the air. Each student enrolled in the mountainous town's only high school had a goofy, ear-to-ear beam planted on their face. Eric, despite just having been released from detention, was no exception. There was just something about that day that made everyone in a pleasant mood.

"I'm free!" Eric sang, dramatically bursting out from the front doors of the school.

His eyes scanned the deserted location before rolling up to the sky in consideration of how he should spend the rest of his Friday. He raised his hand to his chin, pondering in his best "thinking pose." After a moment of careful consideration, he decided he would walk to Stan Marsh's house.

Why Stan Marsh? Stan was a friend of Eric's. Well, not exactly a friend. Their relationship possibly wasn't even label able. They were enemies, but enjoyed each other's company. Yes, that was it. And that was also the case for all other of Eric's scarce amount of "friends." Well, with the exception of Kyle Broflovski. Kyle, openly gay, dimpled, quit witted, and Jewish, wasn't exactly the perfect match for Eric's seemingly proud homophobic, Anti-Semitic attitude. Showered with daily insults regarding his faith and sexual orientation, Kyle loathed Eric and the ground he walked on. However, Eric withheld a secret. Appallingly, that secret was that he was absolutely, irrevocably infatuated with the crimson-haired teenager. Eric often fantasized about Kyle being the helpless little Jew while he was the powerful, righteous Nazi who had to teach Kyle a lesson. Eric's little fantasy was enough to shock and humiliate him whilst sending him into a supreme state of self-hatred. So in conclusion, Eric fancied spending time with Stan because Stan was just the heterosexual, Catholic equivalent of Kyle whom he wasn't tempted to try anything with.

And so on Eric walked to Stan's middle-class, comfortable home. When reaching the front door, he was reluctant to knock. Knocking always eliminated the element of surprise. Eric liked surprises when he was the one initiating them. Yet, he absolutely hated experiencing them for himself. And unfortunately for him, surprise was something he was about to receive.

Eric clenched the bronze doorknob of Stan's front door firmly before hastily twisting it and pushing the door open with great force. "Surprise, Asshole!" He yelled while beaming, before quickly dropping his smile and freezing.

Stan was lying on his living room couch. He was not alone. Accompanied with him was none other than crimsoned-haired, jade eyed Kyle Broflovski, lying right on top of Stan while sucking the fuck out of Stan's lips. Kyle immediately jumped off of Stan, while Stan just sort of froze on the spot like a deer in headlights.

Kyle's usually electrifying green eyes filled with despair.

"Why the hell did you come here, you fat fuck?" The Jew demanded angrily.

Eric's small head filled with millions of possibilities of what to say. He could degrade Kyle and Stan. He could threaten to tell everyone in the school that they were "having a Fag Session." He could do countless, merciless actions deemed to unholy to even speak of. Yet, his mouth had formed some sort of inability to follow the actions requested by his mind. Instead, he gritted his teeth and slit his eyes, fuming.

"You've never heard of two guys making out? Well, this is just great. Go ahead. Tell everybody about Stan and I," Kyle said, the fume in his voice slowly progressing into the thick, shaky tone belonging to someone holding back tears. "Maybe it will make you feel better about your pathetic self."

Eric swallowed, blinking hard. He faced Stan. "I thought you were straight." He stated.

"I'm not," Stan said awkwardly. "It's a cover up. But look Cartman, I know you hate me and Kyle, but I really, really like him. And you've done some pretty fucked up things in the past and for the most part I never stopped you. But I'm asking you right now to not tell anybody about our relationship. If you have any kind of heart, you will do this for me."

The blue eyes met the brown in hope for the acceptance of his request. And then, right there, Eric Theodore Cartman reached his boiling point.

You may expect that Eric told everyone, or possibly even killed the couple. Shockingly, he did no such thing. Despite his revengeful past, Eric's boiling point consisted of him doing absolutely nothing. That's right, Eric fulfilled the request of his love's boyfriend.

He simply watched the two of them. The couple was intoxicated with pure bliss. He watched them fall even more deeply in love, and he even watched them publicly come out in front of the entire town.

Even years later, he watched the two officiate their love by getting married. Deep down, Eric was completely outraged, distraught and emotionally destroyed. How he longed to be in Stan's position; to be able to call Kyle his own. The day their wedding was the worst day of Eric's life and, ironically, a nice, blue-skied day.


End file.
